your job is strictly OUTSIDE, sir.

[jeliza]

if my cut failed and spiders flip you out, don't read this

Dan was about to go get a book from his room when he yells "Spider!" and runs back into my room. I almost (but luckily did not) let the condescending "oh, don't scream over a little spider" directive out of my mouth, and then I went to look.

The best description for my next action would be ear-splitting shriek. I don't think I've before seen an actual spider-spider that big outside of a zoo (crane flies don't count.) And it was dangling and pretty much chest height for a 9 year old in his doorway. So I ran back into my room.  And then I pulled up my Big Girl Panties and went forth to deal with it. And it wasn't there.  Which is kind of worse, right?

So I texted R, who was upstairs, to discuss the epic awfulness of this spider. And then sent Olivia upstairs to get a broom (I don't think I've ever seen her sprint as fast as down that hallway.)

Upon receipt of said broom, I applied it to the space above the door jam in the inside of his room while still standing in the hallway because there was no way in hell I was risking a spider dropping onto my head or neck by just walking in first. Which dislodged said spider from where it was lurking above the door onto the floor, whereupon I smacked it repeatedly with the broom while squealing like an idiot. (Normally I try and catch/release spiders to the outside world, but not when they are almost as big as my palm.)

And then I had to try and ascertain that I had actually killed it. I ... don't actually know. It was the same color as the carpet, I was using one of those lovely handcrafted reed brooms that's all naturally stick-y shaped.... I spent a good 10 minutes attempting to find the (tiny) body (it was pretty much all legs), and lifting up everything on the floor to see if it was lurking beneath, to no avail. I used a big flashlight and everything.

If it still is alive and in his room, Dan may hate me forever.  I left the broom in just in case.

Now I am going to make myself some kind of dessert-y treat, because priorities.